Even So
1. Introduction It was a cold day in the winter moons. It had been snowing ever since the early morning and showed no sign of stopping soon. Out in the middle of nowhere lay a large camp, surrounded by trees and boulders and a well-constructed wall of brambles. Hundreds of cats lived inside, and they huddled together with their fur bushed out against the cold. The walls and their dens and nests did not protect them entirely from the fierce blizzard, but it was still much warmer within the camp than without. Normally these cats had duties that they were assigned to perform every day, but they had been suspended due to the chilly grasp of the winter’s frigid claws. Nobody wanted to venture outside when visibility was so completely eliminated and even brief exposure to the chill could bring about devastating frostbite. So they watched and waited for the end of the storm, tucked away relatively comfortably in their enormous camp full of hardworking cats. Meanwhile, on the outside, a tiny kit was struggling to make her way through the forest during the storm. The falling snow covered the ginger patches on her back, masking them in the same cold color as the rest of her fur and making her nearly invisible in the storm. Her tiny legs did not have the strength to carry her any further, and she sank down into the snowdrifts until it engulfed her entirely. Her tiny pink mouth opened, mewling helplessly for milk from a queen who was not there. She cried piteously, her wretched little voice being whipped away by the same strong winds that had forced her into this situation to begin with. It was a miserable beginning to the existence of such a fragile little life. She was hardly more than a newborn, so her thoughts came more in feelings and impressions than in words. She desperately craved the warmth of her mother and her littermates, whose squirming bodies had once brought such comfort to her. She wanted milk to satisfy the constant hunger that all newborns experienced. But most of all, she just wanted to be away from the cold. The snow packed itself around here like a cruel blanket. She began losing feeling in her paws and limbs and ears; her body heat was quickly being replaced by numbness. But she sighed and nuzzled her cheek into the snow, understanding on some sort of basic level that it could take away her pain. Her last sensory impressions were of sounds. She could still hear the wind howling, but it sounded so far away. So distant from her. So detached from her circumstances. The tiny, tiny kit began to slip away, losing consciousness to the vivid white and distant howling. But then something changed. The snow shifted as it opened above her, allowing the sun peeking out from behind the clouds to glare down at her. She meowed in pitiful protest; her eyes had grown accustomed to the relative darkness of the storms and snow and were painfully sensitive to such bright light. There were voices. She couldn’t understand any words yet, but they sounded familiar. They sounded like the voices of her parents, which she had only heard a couple times between the opening of her ears and the situation in which she found herself now. Something warm and astonishingly furry brushed against her, and a body blocked out the light. Her little amber eyes squinted to make out the shape of a cat standing above her, muzzle reaching down into her hole and preparing to scoop her out of the jaws of death. She squirmed as she was lifted, losing her sense of direction as she lost contact with the ground. Then she was surrounded by warm and furry bodies, just like before, and she gradually began to regain feeling in her limbs. “Shhh, shhh,” came the soothing sounds of someone’s voice as she was licked and cuddled. She pressed herself into the stranger’s fur, soaking in the warmth and life of her savior. Though she was grateful for the return of the presence of other cats, somewhere in the back of her developing mind lingered a curious thought. She had been ready to die. It had felt nice, knowing that her pain was going to end. But it had not ended, and she had no idea what she would be subjected to in the future because she did not die. She would often find herself wondering, much later on, if she would have been better off dying back then instead of being rescued and allowed to continue life. But no matter what she wanted or desired, one truth remained. She had been found. Lash 2. Complicated “Lash, Lash!” I turn my head, a little bit startled, as a tiny voice squeals my name. A little gray kit bounds towards me, skidding to a clumsy halt and kneading her tiny paws against the warm earth. “Where are we going to go hunt today? Can we go to the warm boulder clearing? Pleeeeease?” My whiskers twitch with amusement at her youthful vigor and enthusiasm. “Nope,” I reply, leaning down to lick her head. Her fur never wants to lie flat, always sticking out at odd angles instead. But that doesn’t stop me from trying to keep it in order. “I’ve got something much more exciting planned.” “More exciting than the boulder clearing?” Her blue eyes grow huge as she tries to imagine what could possibly be better than her favorite place. “Where? Where?” I lower my voice. “Now, this is a secret, okay?” I whisper, and she nods emphatically. “I want to go past the old willow tree and see what we can find out there.” If possible, her eyes grow even wider. “Past the willow tree?” she squeaks. “I’ve never been there!” “Neither have I,” I admit. “It’ll be a new experience for all of us!” Her energy grows until it overflows and she can’t sit still. “I’m gonna go tell Millie and Buzz!” she declares, and races off to go tell her friends the good news. Left behind, I sit down, curling my tail around my paws and giving my chest fur a good grooming. There’s nothing quite like a conversation with little Faith to leave me so excited and exhausted at the same time. My name is Lash. I live in a huge camp filled with cats, wherein every cat has a role to play and every little piece has to fit perfectly for the camp to function. I’ve been assigned the role of high-hunter, which means that I lead squads of cats outside every day to catch prey for the rest of the camp. As far as roles go, mine is one of the best. As a high-worker, I get better sleeping quarters than the low-workers, and I have also earned some respect as a diligent and hard-working leader. And best of all, I’m in charge of one of the few groups that get to go outside the walls of the camp on a regular basis. I love it outside. The forest is so beautiful and so alive, always filled with the sounds of prey and the rustling of wind through the trees. Sometimes we even get to see the sun rise, if we head out early enough, spreading its liquid red light across the land before it rises and becomes golden. It’s a wonderful experience, getting to run with the wind in your fur as you track down prey to help provide for yourself and the cats you care about. I wouldn’t trade it for another position if you offered me the world. I already have the world. It’s always out there, ready for me to explore every single day. “Where are you going today?” The sudden voice cuts off my thoughts. I scramble to turn around and bow submissively to the tomcat who’s walking towards me. “Hello, overseer,” I stammer, lowering my head as close to the ground as I can. “I intend to take my cats out beyond the old willow tree, to see if we can find any good hunting grounds out there.” He beckons for me to stop bowing, so I hesitantly straighten up. He tilts his head and examines me, his amber eyes studying my body thoroughly. He’s pretty small for a fully grown cat, but his presence is so daunting that his small stature hardly matters. “Think you’ll find anything?” The question is so casual that I don’t know how to respond. I fish around in my brain for the right words for just a heartbeat too long. “I mean, I hope so,” I reply, careful to keep my tone light. “If we can’t, though, I’ll take my cats to the richest hunting ground I know of, to help make up for lost time.” He actually nods at me, which strikes me as odd. “Just don’t fail me, Lash,” he warns, a familiarly severe glimmer passing briefly through his gaze. “You know what will happen if you do.” “Yes. I do.” I bow again, and he dismisses me by turning around and walking away, his well-kept ginger fur practically sparkling in the morning sunlight. When I’m sure he’s out of range to hear or see me, I allow myself to growl quietly. I get so nervous around that cat. I can’t stand the way he demands respect that he doesn’t deserve. But I can’t let anyone know that I feel that way. I can't let anyone know what I really think. 3. Making History As the sun rises higher, more and more cats pour out of the low-workers’ dens, stretching and chatting and preparing to start their day. The overnight guards turn in for some much-needed rest as the daytime guards wake up and take their place. The sweepers begin picking up the loose branches and debris that fell into the camp while everyone was sleeping. And my hunters start to assemble near the camp entrance, ready and waiting to go out and hunt. As I walk over to join them, a much friendlier ginger cat runs up beside me and presses up against my side. “Good sun, Lash!” he says by way of greeting, the odd expression thoroughly unique to him and his love of the sky. “Looks like it’ll be a great day for hunting!” “Yes, it does, Gingersnap,” I agree, my spirits rising as he beams at me before racing ahead to join his friends. I scan the group with my eyes. There’s brown fur, black fur, ginger fur, and fur the color of clouds and sky; blue eyes, green eyes, amber eyes, and brown eyes, all watching me, expecting me to tell them what to do. I feel so proud, knowing that they have put their trust in me to keep them safe. I jump up onto one of the boulders surrounding the outside of the camp; it juts past the bramble wall, providing a great perch from which I can address my hunters. Immediately the chatter quiets down as they all wait to hear what I will tell them. I take a deep breath before explaining my plans for the day. “Today’s plan is a little bit different,” I begin, and the cats beneath me shuffle with curiosity. “I want to see if we can find any good hunting grounds beyond the old willow.” Excited murmurs ripple through the crowd, led by Faith’s enthusiastic squeals. I wait patiently for them to die down again before continuing. “We will make our way there as a group, but once we get there we’ll break up into squads,” I instruct. “I want every cat to stick with his or her assigned squad. No swapping, and no tagging along with other groups. Squad leaders, you are responsible for making sure you know where your cats are at all times.” Some of the hunters nod their understanding. Gingersnap climbs up to stand next to me and whisper in my ear. I don’t mind that he does this, since I’ve been training him to take my place if anything happens to me. “What if we can’t find any prey?” he asks quietly. “You know that area’s not the best.” I consider my answer carefully. “We can go somewhere else if it doesn’t work out,” I answer him, and he nods and jumps back down from the rock. I raise my voice to address everybody else too. “Gingersnap asked what we’ll do if there is no prey,” I explain, and some of the cats express an interest in the answer to that question as well. “First we will scout the area for other resources. There may be fresh water that we can use, or maybe a good place to hide prey while we continue hunting. If we can’t find any prey or any other resources, though, we will move down to the warm boulder clearing to help make up for lost time.” Gingersnap and the others look satisfied with my explanation, so I complete my briefing of the plans by nodding once, sharply. Every single cat in my audience nods back. It’s a gesture of complete understanding, one that I created to ensure that everybody understands what I tell them. It’s not something that any of the other groups in the camp would ever do or fully understand. I jump down from the rock, signaling that it’s time for the hunters to find their squadmates. Everybody gets up and starts dividing into the squads that I’ve spent so much time meticulously arranging and rearranging over these past few moons. These groups are always shifting, as we look for the best way to make our hunting more efficient. Rather than training the best cats, I prefer to keep the less-experienced cats in my squad. It helps me get to know everybody better, and it allows me to support them and let them know that even though I’m the high-hunter, I really do care about them. Two gray kits who look a lot like Faith come tumbling up to me, bumping up against my paws and rolling all over each other. These are Millie and Buzz, little four-moons kits who provide just as much trouble as help. “We’re here!” they announce in their high-pitched voices. I pat their heads as we wait for the rest of our group. Three silver tabby seven-moons she-cats find us next. Silver, Dash, and Blakely aren’t sisters, but they look and act a lot alike, and they’re practically inseparable. They chatter and giggle when Millie rolls through their paws, tripping them up and causing them to almost step on the poor little kit. “Stop acting so immature!” The deep voice causes the young cats to freeze as the big red-furred tom walks up to them. “Honestly, don’t you ever stop causing trouble for Lash?” “Sorry,” the five cats chorus, their gazes shifting uncertainly between me and the newcomer. I purr. “I don’t mind, honestly, Blaze,” I tell him, rubbing against him affectionately. “As long as they don’t mess around while we hunt.” “We would never!” Blakely protests, but Dash suddenly tackles her, sending them rolling around and play-fighting. I roll my eyes. “Those cats will never grow up.” I peer around Blaze to see a little black kitten cowering behind him. “And how’s Starling today?” “Good,” she whispers, then hides her face in Blaze’s leg. We found the little kitten outside of the camp one day, shivering and alone. She practically attached herself to Blaze, and the gruff tom has been acting as a father for her ever since. It warms my heart to see them so close, though I wish I knew where Starling came from. It would help answer a lot of questions I have about this place. My last squad member finally emerges from the crowd and reluctantly pushes his way towards us. He sits down and starts licking at his dull black fur, saying nothing. This is Embers, a nine-moons tom who antagonized his last squad with all of his pessimistic griping. I’ve made a little bit of progress with him, but he still doesn’t like interacting with the others very much. “Well, now that everyone’s here,” I say, drawing their attention to me, “I just want to reiterate: No messing around today. We don’t know what’s out there, so everyone needs to be careful and pay attention. Got that?” I meet the eyes of all of my cats, staring particularly hard at the four-moons kits. Everyone nods, and I nod back. “Good. Now then…” “Is everybody ready?” I yowl. The heads of the other squad leaders poke up over the sea of furry bodies and affirm that all of their cats are accounted for. “Then let’s move out!” The hunters begin to push our way out of the camp with me at the head. I nod at the daytime guards as we pass them – I don’t recognize one of them, a brown tabby. A new cat, I guess? We stream into the forest, a river of moving paws and fur. The older cats help encourage the younger cats, who aren’t as used to running so fast and so far. We move around the trees, over roots, and though long stretches of bushes and undergrowth. I know this path by heart, so I don’t even have to think about where to go. I can feel it. I just know. And it feels so, so good. Finally, we arrive at the old willow tree. Its long branches brush the surface of a nearby stream, one of the freshest sources of water that we’ve ever found. Compared to the rest of the ordinary forest, this place has always been so mysteriously beautiful and unique. It’s a good place to stop and rest, and store prey. And up until now, it’s marked one of the boundaries of our hunting grounds. But not anymore. I’m only breathing a little harder than usual from the long run. I’m used to it. I climb up the low-hanging branches of an oak to address my hunters. “Each squad leader may pick an area to hunt in,” I instruct. “Remember, every cat must stay with his or her squad. This is for the sake of your safety, so by the stars, please don’t cause trouble for your leaders!” This gets some purrs from the experienced hunters who remember the particular incident I have in mind. “Everyone be safe and be watchful, and be back here with your prey before mid-sun. That’s all!” I jump down from the tree, and everyone goes their separate ways. I beckon for my squad to follow me into the forest, my ears pricked and my eyes alert. It's time to start exploring. 4. Rivalry Buzz and Millie take off running ahead of me almost immediately, and I have to yell for them to come back, sending some birds above us aflutter. The kits skid to a halt and turn back to wait for the rest of us, bouncing with anticipation. As usual, they take up the front of the squad, sniffing around at every leaf and twig in the hopes of finding prey. Silver, Dash, and Blakely stay roughly even with me, spreading out to the sides to search. Blaze and Starling stay a little behind me, with the little kitten hiding beneath the big tom's belly. He nearly trips over her multiple times, but he just slows his pace to match hers, gazing around calmly. And Embers is in the very back, giving him enough space to be comfortable while scanning for anything the rest of us may have missed. Embers is usually so quiet, so I'm a little alarmed when he suddenly calls out. "Lash," he says. I swing my head around to look at him. "I think you should come take a look at this." "What is it?" I signal for the rest of the squad to wait for me. Buzz and Millie keep wandering around, but I trust Blaze to keep an eye on them. I make my way back to where the black tom is standing. "Smell that." He gestures to a bush that I had completely ignored, too focused on watching the kittens. I obediently walk forward and scent the air. My mouth snaps shut as I recognize the distinct smell of a cat who must have brushed past this bush - and recently. "Bear," I hiss. "What's he doing out here?" Apparently drawn by curiosity, the rest of the squad comes over to join us. "That's definitely Bear," Blaze agrees. "Not just him, though. I recognize the scents of many of his cats as well." "How dare they try to steal our hunting spot!" Dash sniffs, and her friends nod in agreement. "Well, wait," I say, trying to be reasonable. "We don't know what they're doing out here. Why don't we try to follow them and find out?" "Yeah!" Millie squeaks. "Let's spy on them!" "We're not going to spy on them," I correct her. "We're going to find them and ask them nicely why they're here. Got that?" I stare at her until she nods. "Good." I look around. "The other squads should be able to take care of themselves. We'll make this quick." I beckon for my cats to come along and start trotting forward, following the scent trail as quickly as I can. It doesn't take us long to weave our way through the forest and into a clearing, where Bear is standing on top of a rock, issuing orders to his cats. I push my way into the sunlight, and he stops talking when he notices. "Lash," he says by way of greeting. "I didn't expect to see you here." "I could say the same thing," I reply, pushing through his crowd until I can jump up onto the rock and sit next to him. "I had planned to come out here and explore the area to see if it was worth coming here to hunt. But why are you here? You never hunt this side of camp." He frowns. "A likely story." A sudden thought occurs to me. "Wait. Did you hear me talking to the overseer?" I accuse. "Were you trying to sabotage us?" "I would never." His eyes narrow. He doesn't like being challenged in front of his own cats. "In fact, the overseer himself told me to come here. I'm just obeying orders. He didn't say anything about you being here." He hisses quietly. I hiss back, thinking over his words, a little frustrated. Why would the overseer tell Bear to come here, if he knew I was already planning to be here? Hunting land is only as useful as we make it, and it's nearly impossible to hunt when there are so many cat-scents concentrated in the same place. "Moreover," Bear continues, his brown fur bushing out threateningly, "we were here first. So I suggest you leave." "No way," I protest. "Your scents are more recent than ours!" He unsheathes his claws, scraping them on the rock. "I suggest," he repeats slowly, "that you leave. Now. Before you further embarrass me in front of my hunters." My own fur starts bristling, but I have to think logically. In this situation, with only eight cats to back me up, I don't stand a chance. Not to mention that Bear is much bigger than I am, and older, and more likely to win in a one-on-one fight. I have no choice but to back down. "Fine," I spit, slinking off the rock and back through the crowd to where my squad is waiting. "But this won't be the end of it!" I mutter, though I know Bear can't hear me. We run until we reach the place we started at, where all the other squads should be roughly equidistant from. "All squads, to me!" I yowl, feeling a selfish stab of pride as the forest briefly comes alive with the sounds of prey scattering back into their hiding spots. If I have to leave the area, I may as well make it harder for Bear's group to find food. Slowly the squads come back, looking confused. Some cats carry prey already, indicating that this area might be a good source of food. I wait until I've counted all the squad leaders - they ought to be responsible enough to have all their cats with them - and then raise my head to address the group. "Bear's hunters are here too," I announce. My cats begin to murmur and shuffle, but I wave my tail for quiet. "He's asked us to leave. So we're going to fall back on our other plan. We're going to the warm boulder clearing. Bring what prey you have; we can stash it in the hollow tree. But we have to be fast." I nod, and they all nod back, a wave of dipping motions at different heights. I take a deep breath and try to calm down, so that my fur flattens and I look more in control. "Okay. Let's go." Kune 5. Unbreakable I wake up and stretch. My bones ache from all of yesterday's activities. Siren certainly knows how to work us hard. The cat next to me startles awake as I accidentally rattle the brambles of his nest. "Oh. It's just you, Kune," Spark meows, blinking sleepily. "Good morning." "Good sun," I reply, resisting the urge to glare at him. Nobody ever told me that being here would involve having to corral a bunch of lazy kittens. I crawl out from under the bush and narrow my eyes against the sunlight. Outside, the camp is already bustling, and apparently nobody thought it was important to wake me up. "Oh, Kune's awake!" someone cheers, and immediately lots of heads swivel in my direction. "Um. Yes," I say. "Good sun, everyone. Please... go back to work." They purr agreeably and return to their respective tasks. I sigh, glad to be free from their watchful gazes, if only for a moment. Being one of the last living founders of this place definitely has its perks, but all the attention is not one of them. Another cat comes up beside me, leaning into my side. "Good sun, Kune," she purrs. The sunlight accentuates the gray furs peeking out from her otherwise orange muzzle. "Good sun, Pyre." My rigid posture softens, and I lean against her too. Together, we walk through the camp, performing a peremptory scan to make sure care are where they're supposed to be. As we're looping back to the beginning, I glance over at her. "So... why did nobody wake me up?" I ask. She blinks her big green eyes, apparently thinking about her answer. "Well," she begins. "You looked really tired." I whack her playfully with my paw. "That's no excuse! I'm supposed to be your co-leader. I can't do that if I'm snoring the day away." I huff, pretending to be more annoyed than I really am. "Honestly, Pyre. I can handle a little tiredness." She doesn't reply until we've kept walking a little ways. "I was just... worried," she says softly. "You've been getting tired more and more easily lately. I don't want you to overdo it." I stop walking, and she stops too, looking at me inquisitively. I look her square in the eye. "I'm okay," I promise. "So don't worry about me." She hesitates, then nods. Her eyes flutter briefly shut. "I just wish..." she whispers, then shakes out her fur. "Never mind. I'd better go before Talon gets after me!" As I watch her bounce away with the energy of a much younger cat, I can't help but wonder what she was going to say. Lash 6. Obsession I watch as the last hunter dumps his prey on the pile. Turning to address my squad leaders, I meow, "Alright. You know what to do." They nod and start sorting out the prey into smaller piles. We group fish with fish, squirrels with squirrels, and mice with mice until everything is organized by type. Then we go back and start sorting everything by size. "So, Lash," Mothy begins as she works. "Did you ever figure out what was going on with Bear?" I growl, and my paw comes down a little too hard on the squirrel I was putting in place. Some of its tiny bones snap, and I hastily move on to the next one. "I don't know. He actually said that the overseer recommended that he look out there. I really don't know what to say." "Maybe the overseer wanted you to work together?" Lake suggests from over by the mouse pile. "Wouldn't he have told me?" I counter. Lake shrugs. "He's made weirder contradictions in the past." I pause. "Like what?" The blue-furred tom glances around to make sure nobody's around to listen, then leans closer to whisper, "Once, when I was with the sweepers, he suggested that we use the debris around camp to help enforce the wall. We all agreed that it was a great idea and set to work right away. But when he came by later, he got angry and told us to undo it all. We wasted a whole day taking everything back out. We nearly broke the wall in several places." He shakes his head and goes back to sorting. "Weird," I murmur, turning my attention back to the prey at my feet. Lash Shadow Kune Skybee 7. Eternity 8. Gateway 9. Death 10. Opportunities 11. 33% 12. Dead Wrong 13. Running Away 14. Judgment 15. Seeking Solace 16. Excuses 17. Vengeance 18. Love 19. Tears 20. My Inspiration 21. Never Again 22. Online 23. Failure 24. Rebirth 25. Breaking Away 26. Forever and a day 27. Lost and Found 28. Light 29. Dark 30. Faith 31. Colors 32. Exploration 33. Seeing Red 34. Shades of Grey 35. Forgotten 36. Dreamer 37. Mist 38. Burning 39. Out of Time 40. Knowing How 41. Fork in the road 42. Start 43. Nature’s Fury 44. At Peace 45. Heart Song 46. Reflection 47. Perfection 48. Everyday Magic 49. Umbrella 50. Party 51. Troubling Thoughts 52. Stirring of the Wind 53. Future 54. Health and Healing 55. Separation 56. Everything For You 57. Slow Down 58. Heartfelt Apology 59. Challenged 60. Exhaustion 61. Accuracy 62. Irregular Orbit 63. Cold Embrace 64. Frost 65. A Moment in Time 66. Dangerous Territory 67. Boundaries 68. Unsettling Revelations 69. Shattered 70. Bitter Silence 71. The True You 72. Pretense 73. Patience 74. Midnight 75. Shadows 76. Summer Haze 77. Memories 78. Change in the Weather 79. Illogical 80.Only Human 81. A Place to Belong 82. Advantage 83. Breakfast 84. Echoes 85. Falling 86. Picking up the Pieces 87. Gunshot 88. Possession 89. Twilight 90. Nowhere and Nothing 91. Answers 92. Innocence 93. Simplicity 94. Reality 95. Acceptance 96. Lesson 97. Enthusiasm 98. Game 99. Friendship 100. Endings